Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Gone Are The Days

... that our lives will be blessed with seeing, hearing, and touching our beautiful Nugget.  Never again will I be able to gaze into the sparkling layers of those imploring brown eyes that I swear were like marbles with swirls of magical color.  I forced myself to memorize those eyes.  Words cannot describe how different they were compared to my other babies, and to any other human's for that matter.   I will never again feel his sweet golden curls that lined his spine showing hints of red nor feel the soft velvet gold that graced the top of his head or the thick mass of tangled fur along his chest that often developed into a matted mess.  He didn't bark much or whine. He was the patriarc of the pack though he was patient and good.  He never attacked a stray who wandered on the farm allowing Sammy and Coty to join the family though they knew he ruled.  He got so excited and happy seeing Mama and Daddy at the door and at meal time he whirled in dizzying tight circles.  He so loved his nightly pettings from his Daddy and his brushings from Mama that should there be a pause from a tired human hand, his persistant paw would offer a firm reminder to continue.  In his younger days, he watched my every move while I went down to the barn for the nightly feed, guarding and waiting for my return.  Words cannot describe the perennial ache in my heart with the realization that he is gone. I loved my boy, I love him still though he is gone for good, gone on March 13th 2012. 

He looked good in the first photo but not so much in the one above. These were taken only a couple of days before his last breaths.  He knew what I was doing, he knew it was near the end and tried his best to look good.  So many times he looked away from the imposing black thing that made snapping noises and flashed strange lights.  But on this day, he stood there giving me a lasting image of his beautiful body. 
He loved people, and was so gentle with children.  Everyone loved him, even his stern old Grandfather.  :)  I often wonder if my daddy and Nugget see eachother in heaven?

It was back in September when we found out.  I quit blogging due to being so busy in the summer and planned on getting back into it come fall but an emergency visit to the ER due to Nugget's anorexia (it is called anorexia when they choose to refuse food for more than one feeding) put a stop to any life's normal activities.  He spent two nights, was on IV's and we were told he had pancreatits.  His Bun levels were slightly off.  I questioned this but was told that is normal.  I took him to our normal vet who said everything was fine and then it happened again.  Remembering an important phrase from my days in real estate I decided to go elsewhere.  "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results".  The new vet had repaired Nugget's ACL, but distance kept me from using him on a regular basis.   Long story short, my baby had heart cancer and they extracted 220 cc's of fluid that gathered in the sac that surrounds the heart.  The tumor was right on the heart making surgery very difficult with a chance that he would pass under the knife. He was also in kidney failure.  So that day until March, he was immediately taken off his Rimadyl, put on a few other meds and I elected to give him subcutanious fluids every three days.  We went nowhere, we never left him more than three hours and our lives were totally dedicated in giving him the best care possible.  I do believe the fluids helped him as the kidney failure seemed gone, his blood values were normal, etc. The Azodyl was exceptional in helping with the appetite, but I could do nothing about the cancer.  I thought all was good near Christmas when he had a check up and I shed tears of joy but in February we were told it spread to the spleen.  His stomach area began to swell with fluid.  His comfort level diminished, his eyes lacked sparkle, he no longer got up for food and it seemed time.  I prayed and prayed and I asked Nugget to tell me.  It seemed he didn't want to go which broke our hearts.  He tried to hang on to the very end even resisting the sedative given prior to the death shot.  His dear heart continued to struggle and I heard its quiet beat with the stethescope, then it was time.  Little Bear layed near him, Princess knew and lied beside him on his bed.  Sammy stayed under the dining room table.  Coty seemed normal and unaware and the other kitties remained quiet.  It was so strange that my dear little Princess knew and wanted to comfort him and poor Little Bear was forced to experience another death of her loved one with her brother Jack dying years ago. 

Rest in peace my dear Nugget.  I do believe we will see eachother again when we shed our earthly bodies and our souls rise to a new level hopefully Heaven where we will be joined once again.  Please be there to greet me my dear boy when it is my time to go, I want to see your beautiful face and be surrounded by your undying love.  I will love you forever my boy, my Nugget.